Confused

Once again I am in another confusing predicament regarding my love life. I know that I have a history of falling for a different guy every week and I don’t really give things a chance to progress past the casual dating phase. And I’ll even admit that I am at fault for things not working out 75% of the time since I’m an imperfect person and my faults are many, but I’ve found someone who holds my attention more than I think he realizes and that terrifies me to the core. The last time that I had real interest in a guy was while I was engaged to him and of course you already know how that turned out for me, but if not then that’s a story for another time. Actually you know what? I think I need to tell a small back story on how or why THAT relationship affects me now.

Please know that even though it will only take you a few minutes to read through this story, it is taking me A LOT longer to write it out (or type to be more specific) since the wounds from that experience are still deep and bleed often for me.

Geez I don’t even know where to start or what to say…

I’ve refused myself from thinking about him and that period of my life for so long, that now that I am willing to reflect on it my mind has become vacant. I guess the best way for me to get through this part of the blog is to just jump in….

I’ve never had a good track record with dating men (and that’s using the term loosely in the case of some guys). I’ve been burned over and over again which led to my defense method of building a wall around my heart. I became hard hearted and extremely jaded towards love, but when I became engaged I tore down all of the years worth of walls and as damaged as it was I had handed my heart to my ex-fiancé. I was so excited to finally have things work out in my favor. I thought to myself AT LAST I’ve found someone who loves me despite my flaws; in fact he seemed to love me more because of them. Because of this I felt like a whole new person, I felt superior and capable of accomplishing anything I wanted to. Like the Evening Star Yvaine in the movie “Stardust” I almost quite literally shone, since my attitude had completely changed my entire countenance and people noticed (for the sake of keeping my heart from feeling like it’s being dissolved by acid, I’m not going to go any further with describing our relationship). But when my ex-fiancé became obsessive and slowly started to distance me from everyone who cared about me I questioned his motives, and for a while I let myself believe everything he told me. I stood up for him despite the warning sirens blaring violently inside my head. At first I was able to persuade him to extend our wedding date from our March to June just to pacify my doubts and try and give myself time to sort things out, but I couldn’t fool myself anymore with where our relationship was headed. If I didn’t end things with him I was doomed to end up in the same type of situation my mom has tried to protect me from all of my life.

So on January 19, 2008 I officially broke up with the first guy I ever truly loved.

Afterwards I had promised myself that I wouldn’t let this failed engagement ruin my life and that I would learn from the experience so that I could move on in a positive direction and maybe find someone else to spend time with. I promised myself I wouldn’t punish myself or any future dating prospects for the mistakes made by any of my previous lovers. However, I ended up inadvertently hurting myself anyway when I went on a rampant dating spree following our break up. I thought that I could get over him faster if I could find someone else to replace the hole I ripped out of myself but I wasn’t ready for another steady relationship yet and this frustrated everyone (maybe rightly so), and so one by one they showed less interest and eventually gave up on pursuing me and leaving me with a bigger hole each time until finally I hit an emotional rock bottom.

Not too many people know about the depression I struggled with since I hid it so well… The only person who saw the worst of it was my mom because when I was alone with her it felt safe to admit that I’m not okay, but I think it scared her to see me that way. For all the years I’d been the emotional rock for everyone, through everything that I had ever gone through and now she was living with a zombie. My plan for leaving my barriers down seemed like an excellent and optimistic plan at the time, but the problem of letting the walls I’d built lie in ruins was that it left me vulnerable to feeling all the years of hurt I’d been dealt from different people which made me susceptible to becoming an actual basket case. With everything exposed I began to see my life in a new light, I saw myself in a third party point of view and now I over analyze every thing that had ever happened to me, every thing I’d ever said to anyone and what I plan on doing in the future. This helped me figure some things out but it also left me with a lot of questions, so now I feel like a child re-learning how to live my life. It’s a bit liberating to give myself a fresh start on life so to speak, but it’s more frustrating as I struggle with insecurities and doubts I never had until now.

And this leads me to my current dilemma of how to go about pursuing a guy I’m not 100% sure sees me in a romantic light anyway.

I don’t know why but I fell pretty fast for him despite my vow to not date anyone until I felt stable enough to endure another attempt at love. I’ve become mesmerized by his personality and love talking to him about everything. He reminds me of myself so I feel as though I already know him or that I’ve known him forever, but at the same time I am extremely intimidated by him which has never happened before. So now I am acting like a stupid high school girl trying to figure out if I should text him, should I call him, how often is too often to see him again?

GUH!

This is me! This is what The Dating Guru has resorted to; I was Ms. Confidence.., Ms. I-can-have-anyone-I-want-when-I-want, Ms. Walk-into-a-room-and-attract-just-about-all-the-guys-and-on-some-occassions-girls. I guess I still have that effect on some people; I’m just disturbed by the fact that for once the tables have been turned on me that’s all…